Feeling better today. After not eating for about three days I've finally been able to have some decent sized meals.

This time last week winter was threatening. It had been snowing, but the 'real' winter hadn't come yet. Now it's well and truly here. It's been snowing heavily for about six days straight and it looks like the middle of winter outside. The funny thing is, if I drove for an hour our two in just about any direction it most likely wouldn't look anything like winter. I live in a weird place.

Got my results back for all my remaining uni assignments. Score! The results aren't official yet, but I ended up getting HDs for both subjects this semester, which is a result I'm really happy with. My 30 page monster assignment pulled in a lovely score of 95. My lecturer even went out of her way to tell me I was a douchebag for getting 95 instead of 98, because I lost 3 marks for not putting some silly brackets around some dates in the reference section at the end of my assignment. Really... brackets cost me three marks? Oh well.

I'm still trying to track down the person who gave me Noro. Through me detectivising and sleutherations I've discovered that I may not have been infected at the harvest festival, but at the volleyball party the night before. The hunt continues...

I was sitting around yesterday, doing a little websurfing, wondering what to do with my spare time. I was trying to think back and remember all those times that I said 'Yeah, I'd do that if only I had the time'. While I was surfing I came across a news article that referenced the Bible. Suddenly it occurred to me that although I was brought up in a kind-of-Christian country and went to schools that sent us to church and made us take RE classes, I have never actually opened a page of the bible and had a read. Even though I've always been somewhat curious as to what goes on in the bible (and why it causes so much controversy), just looking at the size of the thing used to make me sleepy. I'd always assumed that the bible was boring and long winded, filled with unnecessary details about this or that. I also assumed that most of the stories that I and most other people are familiar with ( such as God's creation of the world, Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, Good Samaritans, the Easter Bunny etc.) would be both boring and difficult to read as they would be described in minute detail over chapters and chapters.

I figured that this was a perfect example of one of those 'if only I had the time' things, so I found a site that had about 400 versions of the bible online, picked the version they recommended, and started at the start - Genesis 1:1. I managed to read for about half an hour before it was time to go home, and in that half hour I learned quite a few things.

Firstly, the bible is certainly not boring (well, the first book isn't). In fact, it's kind of like reading a weird, slightly comedic fantasy novel. In the space of half an hour I managed to read about a whole bunch of things that I had vague knowledge about, but never really understood. The most interesting thing was that most of the events described so far have been much, much briefer than I expected. If you had asked me before to tell you everything I know about why Adam and Eve were sent out of the Garden of Eden, I would have said "Well, God said don't eat apples from this tree, and then a snake said the apples were good to eat, so Eve gave an apple to Adam and they ate it, and then God found out, got pissed and banished them - the end". Surprisingly, that's pretty much how it's described in the bible. I expected pages and pages of contemplation, detailed descriptions, discussion between Adam, Eve and the snake. In reality, it was all over in about a minute. Don't eat the apple. Eat the apple. Let's eat the apple. Bye bye. Finished.

The only new thing I learned from this little story was the God is actually a funny guy. Even though he is omnipresent and omnipotent, a lot of the time he doesn't seem to know what's going on. In the apple story, he's wandering through the garden looking for Adam and Even when he sees them cowering behind a bush.

God: "What are you doing?" (a strange question for someone that is supposed to be omniscient too).
Adam: "I'm hiding because I'm nude. I don't want you to see me!"
God: "What the? Why do you care whether or not you're nude?" (still not omniscient)
Adam: "Umm..."
God: "Wait a minute.... did you eat that apple I told you not to eat?" (still no idea what's going on inside his own garden)
Adam: "Umm... no....?"
God: "You did, didn't you?! Naughty boy! Why? Who made you do it?" (no idea...)
Adam: "It was Eve!"
Eve: "Me? No! Snake told me to do it!"
Snake: "No way man, it wasn't me."
God: (still confused) "Right, I'm not really sure what's going on here, so I'm going to punish you all..."

This is not the only time that God happens to show up and doesn't really know what's going on. In fact, God is one of the most interesting (and funny) characters in the book so far because you can never really be sure which God is going to show up. Sometimes is 'Kind and Forgiving God', next time it's 'Vengeful Angry God', then it's 'God the Spectacular Showman', then maybe it's 'I'm Going To Do This Amusing Thing, Not Because It Amuses Me, But Because I Have To Teach You A Lesson God'.

Consider all the covenants that he makes with people. One day he shows up in a city in the desert:
God: "You have all been good boys and girls, so I will make a covenant with you. To seal this pact, I will make sure that from now on your cities will all be prosperous!"
People: "Yay! We love you!"

The next day he appears to Abraham:
God: "Your people have all been good boys and girls, so I will make a covenant with you. To seal this pact, all your newborn boys must have their foreskin chopped from their willies!"
Abraham: "Uh... ok..."

He constantly seems to be changing his mind about things, too. One day he decides that humans can live for 700 years. Then he decides that people are being naughty so they should only live for 120 years. Gee, thanks.

But God isn't the only crazy character that has appeared so far. In fact, the craziest dudes have to be those Sodomites and Gomorrans. They are just naughty... so naughty that I couldn't help chuckling when I read about their deeds. Take this one for example (all the quotes in this come straight from the book, no paraphrasing - if you don't believe me, go look it up):

Two angels show up at Sodom one night and see Lot sitting at the gate. Lot realises they are angels so he's on his best behaviour.

Lot: "My lords, please turn aside to your servant's house. You can wash your feet and spend the night and then go on your way early in the morning."

The angels don't really want to hang out at Lot's.

Angel 1: "No, we will spend the night in the square."

But Lot is a persistent fellow and he convinces them to come to his house. After they arrive and settle in, word spreads around town. Soon, a mob of randy Sodomites gathers outside Lot's house. They call out to Lot.

Mob: "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."

The mob rub their hands and laugh in anticipation of the coming gang rape.

(what the... is this really the bible?... but wait, it gets better...)

Lot realises that gang raping two angels would probably not be well received by God, so he goes outside to calm them.

Lot: "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing."

The mob looks disappointed. They were all looking forward to the gang rape, but they don't want to go against the wishes of their pal Lot. Suddenly, lot has a brilliant idea.

Lot: "Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them."

The mob is happy. Nice save, Lot.


I shit you not, those quotes are taken directly from the big book. I couldn't believe it when I read it myself. Let's gangbang those angels! No, that would be bad - take my virgin daughters instead!

So, in conclusion, even though I am about as religious as a ferret, I'm actually having a much more enjoyable time reading the bible than I would have though.