You may remember reading a blog entry from last year in which I participated in a park golf competition for the school workers in this district. I didn't really try hard, but still came fourth. If you don't remember, well... I didn't try hard and still came fourth.

This year's competition was held a few months earlier because of the great weather. At the start of summer I bought my own club and ball, which means I can use the local course anytime I want, free of charge. So, I've had a chance to practice a little. Living near the top of the world has some advantages in summer including an average of about 18 hours of daylight. Recently I've been having a bit of a hit after school or after dinner.

So, last Friday was the 2007 tournament. About 40 people showed up to play (a little less than last year, I think). The weather was not great, it was overcast and looked like it would rain, but fortunately the rain held off. The local course actually has 6 courses of 9 holes. The tournament was played over 18 holes, and the easiest pair of the six courses were chosen. There was a team competition and an individual competition, with every placed into teams of four or five. My team actually turned out to be pretty good, with three decent members and one who 'tried hard'. My team played well and I had a very solid round. By solid, I mean that I didn't hit any particularly magnificent shots, but I don't think I hit an especially poor shot all day. We turned in our scorecard and the results were kept secret until the official announcement at the after-match dinner. Some people were obviously pleased with their scores, some were pretty disappointed, but everyone seemed to have a good time. There were even whispers that someone shot a score in the 40s, which is pretty damn good considering par is 66.

After the game we went off to the town hall to have some drinks and dinner. The purpose of the event was for school workers to get to know the workers from other schools in the area (eg. the high school teachers meet the elementary school teachers). Some teachers have contact with teachers from other schools, but some have no contact. I go to all the schools so I know everyone already. Anyway, there were some speeches (typical Japanese style) and everyone had to introduce themselves, tell a joke about themselves or a colleague etc. After that came the official results. My team came an admirable third out of 8. Our average score was below par, which is pretty good, and it was good enough for a prize (the top three get prizes). Our prize was a tissue and wet cloth set (boring...). For the individual competition I was pretty confident I was in the top few. The MC introduced third place, second place and then first place. Fortunately for me the rumors of a score in the 40s turned out to be false (someone can't add up properly, which is kind of scary considering they're supposed to be teachers), so my 52 (14 under) was good enough for first place. My teammates already knew my score, but I hadn't told anyone else, so everyone was pretty surprised when I was announced. For my prize, I got a mini thermos (which is actually quite useful). On the way back to my chair I had a good laugh at one of my workmates who had been telling me for quite a while that there was no way I could beat him at park golf. Hah hah... he wasn't even close.

.....................................


I had to change the timing belt in my car last weekend. I really hate paying lots of money to change something that isn't even broken, but I guess its better than have the belt snap while I'm driving and having my engine explode (maybe that is a slight exaggeration...). My car runs a little smoother now. Just a little. You would never notice the change unless you drive it everyday, and even then I'm pretty sure many people wouldn't notice. The guys at Subaru cleaned and waxed my car for free as well, so now it glows. I hadn't cleaned it for quite a while when I took it in. I don't really have the motivation to clean it because I spend a lot of time on dirty dusty insect-infested roads. If I wash it, 2 days later it'll be covered in squished bugs and dirt. But it's nice to have someone wash it for me.

I went to the movies last weekend for the first time since January. I saw Die Hard 4. Die Hard 4 is a typical Die Hard movie. Fun and easy to watch. There were a few interesting scenes in the movie that I'd really like to know how they came up with. I'm assuming that their pre-production meeting went something like this:

A: "We need some new ideas for this Die Hard movie. We want some action scenes that no one has ever seen before."

B: "How about we have McClane single-handedly take out a helicopter."

A: "Good... but lacking something...."

C: "How about we have him take out a helicopter with a car!"

A: "Perfect! Next..."

B: "How about we have McClane fight a crazy Asian woman in an elevator shaft."

A: "Hmmm... sounds ok...."

C: "How about we have McClane fight a crazy Asian woman inside a smashed up car hanging inside an elevator shaft!"

A: "I like it! One more..."

B: "How about we have McClane fall out the back of a massive semi-tralier."

A: "Ok... keep going...."

C: "How about we have McClane fall out the back of a massive semi-trailer onto a fighter plane in midair that has no pilot!"

A: "Brilliant. Now, everyone, you job is to write a screenplay that connects these three scenes. Got it? Get to work!"


Yep... that's pretty much what the movie is like.

A little story from America, via Japanese tv.


Japanese tv is renowned for having ridiculous game shows and crazy commercials. But that's only a small part of what is on. Japanese tv also has lots of programs about life outside Japan. Part of the reason for this is that many Japanese know surprisingly little about what goes on outside their country (other than what they see in movies and on tv shows). Ask a Japanese person to point out Japan on a world map and they could probably do it. Ask them to point out Australia, maybe 50% could do it. Ask them to point out somewhere like Egypt or Vietnam and I reckon about 5% could do it. For some reason, possibly inadequate schooling, they just don't know about the world.

So, for this reason, tv shows that show life in other countries are surprisingly popular. One popular program shows 'unbelievable' stories from around the world. For example, people falling from great heights and surviving, people involved in kidnappings, people with ten wives, people giving birth to lots of babies etc. Normally I don't watch these shows, but last night I was sucked in by an interesting story from America. It goes like this:

A woman (let's call her Jane) and a man (let's call him Walter) have just given birth to twins. Everything is great except for one thing. Jane and Walter aren't married. In fact, Jane is married to another guy (let's call him Rudiger). Jane and Rudiger were married for a few years but things didn't work out, so Jane left him. Jane ran right into the arms of Walter, a student of hers at the business school she works at. Jane wanted a divorce but Rudiger, a lawyer, was stalling. Rudiger often rang up Jane to pester her about getting back together, but she was having none of it. Not long after the birth of the twins, Rudiger called up Jane and they got into a fight. Walter grabbed the phone and told Rudiger to stop calling, sign the divorce and leave them and their new family alone. New family? Whoops. Rudiger didn't know about the twins, and when he finds out he gets pissed. End of conversation.

A few weeks later a letter arrives from Rudiger demanding a DNA test of the kids. Rudiger is sure that the kids are his. Jane and Walter had been together for quite a while before the kids were conceived, so they are both certain that the kids are Walter's. However, Rudiger is a real pest, so they decide to go and get the test done just to shut him up once and for all. They take the babies (let's call them Rod and Todd) to the hospital where they are all swabbed and tested. The doctor tells them that the results will be back in a few days.

Can anyone see where this story is going?

So, a few days later they call up the hospital to ask for the results. They talk to the doctor who explains that there was a slight problem with the test and in had to be redone, so the results will take a little more time. So, a week later they call up again. The doctor again says there were some irregularities, so the tests are being redone. Finally, a week or so later the doctor calls up Jane and Walter and asks them to come in to the hospital.

Worked it out yet?

Jane and Walter come in and sit down with the doctor. He looks nervous. "I don't know how to tell you this", he says, "so I'll just show you the results". He takes one piece of paper marked 'Rod' and hands is to Walter and Jane. They skim read all the technical details and when they reach the bottom there is a highlighted sentence. "DNA match probability: 99.99%". Whew! Both Walter and Jane breathe a big sigh of relief. "I knew it!" says Walter, a big smile crossing his face.

"Hang on...." says the doctor, handing them page 2, which is marked 'Todd'. Once again they skim read the details and when they come to the bottom there is a highlighted sentence reading "DNA match probability: 0%".

"WHAT THE F'&%('&%'(&!" screams Walter.

(at this point I'm almost choking on my dinner from laughing so much...)

The doctor speaks up. "Yes, it's true. We redid the tests a number of times. The results are certain. Rod is your son, but Todd isn't."

Walter is shocked. "How is this possible? They're twins!"

The doctor shrugs. Then he looks at Jane. "Is there anything you'd like to tell us?" Jane looks very, very guilty.

(cue a flashback)

About ten months ago we see Jane in bed with Walter having a bit of a morning wrestle. After it's finished, Jane tells Walter that she's going to see Rudiger to get him to sign the divorce. Walter is concerned, but Jane tells him there is nothing to worry about. Jane goes back to their house (which she hadn't been to since leaving Rudiger). Rudiger, a smooth guy, has put up new pictures of all their special moments together. Jane is overcome with all the good memories from their relationship and from being in their house once again. Smooth Rudiger tries sweet talking Jane into getting back together.

"Come on baby! I miss you so bad! I'm still so hot for you.... oh yeah....."

(cut to 8 minutes later)

"We shouldn't have done that" says Jane, putting her clothes back on. "That's it. It's over. I'm never coming back. Accept it."

(back to the present)

Jane looks at Walter. "Um... there's something I have to tell you honey..."


So, it turns out that Jane produced two eggs that, by freak chance, were fertilised together. One by Walter, then one a little later by Rudiger. I certainly wouldn't want to be the one that has to explain it to the kids when they get older.

English is Japan is not quite as bad as the following example from China, although I do see some pretty funny mistakes during my travels. This one is awesome though. I cracked up laughing in the middle of a very quiet school staffroom.

Check out THIS MENU from a funny Engrish blog.

There are certain words in the English language that are used only in certain situations. "Nazi" is one of those words. If you're talking about WW2 or neo-Nazis, then it's fine because you're using the word in context. However, sometimes you'll hear people using it out of context, for example, "My mother wouldn't let me go to the party. She's such a Nazi", or "I hate police - they're all Nazis", or even "The Soup Nazi!". Personally, I think it's a bit harsh using the word in these situations, so I've never used it out of context before. But now I feel I have good reason to. I've encountered a situation in which certain people have created a mindless dictatorship with so much power and such control that the only appropriate word I can use is "Nazi". So, here we go.

In my town we have "Garbage Nazis".

Let me explain. As Japan has a relatively large population for such a small landmass, and because its such a consumerist society, it's important that people dispose of garbage appropriately or else there would be mountains of garbage everywhere. In Melbourne, we have three bins - a big bin for regular garbage, a bin for garden waste and a bin for recyclables. In most cities in Japan you have to separate your garbage into about five or six different groups, each of which has a different way of disposal and is collected on different days. For example, in the last city I lived in we had 1) burnable garbage, 2) non-burnable garbage, 3) food waste, 4) cans, plastic bottles, glass bottles, 5) oversized garbage... um... I think that's it. Even though you're supposed to separate all this garbage into special bags and follow all the disposal rules (such as taking the labels and caps of plastic bottles, washing the bottles, putting the bottle in the "plastic bottle bag" and the cap and label in the "burnable" bag) most people don't because it's a real pain in the ass. As long as you make a decent effort (ie. don't just chuck everything in the burnables), it's fine. Furthermore, city living gives you anonymity. Everyone puts their bags in a communal bin for their building or block, so there is no real way to trace people who don't follow all the rules. I was happy with this system.

Everything changed when I came to this town, the HQ of the Garbage Nazi Party. Here, like other places, there are lots of different groups of garbage and lots of different rules for disposing (there's a fifty page manual that everyone gets when they first arrive). There are the regular groups like "burnable" and "non-burnable", to go with special groups that are only used here, such as "mixed paper". "Mixed paper" is particularly frustrating, especially for visitors to the town, because nobody is really sure what qualifies as mixed paper. Basically, any paper that can be recycled is "mixed paper" (but not magazines, newspapers, cardboard etc. because they have their own special groups). A4 white paper, letters, envelopes etc. are all easily identifiable as "mixed paper". But what about a envelopes with that plastic window, junk mail, tissues, the McDonalds drink cup and toilet paper rolls? All those things are generally safe. What about wax paper, paper towels, cereal boxes and McDonalds french fries containers? Forbidden. Why? Who knows. All I do know is that every time I want to throw out something that looks like it came from a tree, I have to spend time trying to decide whether it goes in the mixed paper bag or the burnable bag.

"So what? Just do your best and it'll be fine", you might say. Well, until now this was what I thought. But the Garbage Nazis are cleverer than that. This town has one special rule that I've never heard of before. When you deposit your bag in the communal garbage shed (my apartment has one shed for about 30 apartments), you have to write your name on the garbage bag or box. This is so that they know who the garbage belongs to. When the garbage men come, they visually inspect each bag. If you haven't disposed of the garbage properly (eg. you didn't take the cap off of one bottle, you put a banana peel in the "burnable" instead of the "food waste" or you put a piece of scrap paper somewhere other than the "mixed paper"), not only will they not take the garbage away, but they'll pick it up and drop it in the hallway in front of your apartment door with a note that says you've been bad and should fix your garbage. This is very embarrassing for people who live in a collectivist society like Japan. Having other people walk past your door all day being able to see that you aren't conforming to society's rules... instant social death. For me, it's no problem, for three reasons. 1) I dispose of my garbage properly - my bags have never been returned, 2) Everyone expects the foreigner to screw up regularly so they are more accepting of mistakes and 3) I live in the top corner apartment of my building, so even if a bag was returned to my door nobody would see it anyway.

Why not just not write your name? If you don't write your name, it won't get taken away. If it doesn't get taken away, bags will just sit there. The apartment supervisor will get angry and go through the bags to find out whose garbage it is, then will go visit that person and yell at them. If I did this, I'd be particularly easy to spot. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who reads English magazines and uses certain foreign products.

So, to all those people living in a society where people are free to throw things out willy-nilly, be glad you don't live in the land of garbage Nazis.