This is just my opinion, so don't get upset if you disagree. Parents who give their children bad names don't deserve to be parents. Instead, they should be stripped naked and marched down the main street of their town, while being pelted with rotten fruit and vegetables. Maybe then they'll have some idea of the years and years of embarrassment and ridicule their children will have to face, simply because they thought it would be a good idea to give their child an "orignal" name. No, no, no!

This little tirade was brought on by an article I read about a Swedish family naming their daughter "Metallica". In my opinion, part of the responsibility of being a parent is bringing your child up with as many opportunities as possible. The role of the parent is to help and guide children as they grow up and become adults, not to force them into a certain lifestyle. They should have as many opportunities as possible to choose their own path.

Naming your kid "Metallica" really takes away a lot of those opportunities. I mean, who would want to go to a hospital to see Dr. Metallica? Would you want your six year old child to be taught by Mrs. Metallica? If you got arrested, would you ask for a lawyer from Metallica and associates?

The problem is that names carry images. Whether or not those images are accurate doesn't really matter. The fact is that names influence the way we imagine people we've never met. Dr. Metallica may be the nicest, most respected, most distinguished doctor in the whole world, but I would still be concerned about having her perform brain surgery on me.

So, in an effort to rectify this problem, I put together some rules for naming your child.

1) One of the the most obvious rules. Don't repeat names. John Johnson, William Williams, Pat Patrick. No.

2) Don't use names of infamous people. Adolf might have been a common European name in the past, but these days it's a big no-no. "This is my baby Adolf" just doesn't work. On the other hand, don't use names of people who are too famous. If your surname is Jordan, don't call your son Michael. If your son ever takes up basketball, the expectations everyone will have will be too high.

3) Being a celebrity doesn't give you the right to pick any old random set of words to use as names. Your child will be unique enough simply by having a famous parent. They don't need a unique name too. Some real world examples of celebrity baby names: Moon Unit, Moxie Crimefighter, Zowie Bowie, Satchel, Audio Science and (the number 1......) Pilot Inspektor.

4) Consider initials as well as names. Alice Sophia Smith, Francis Andrew Thompson and Patricia Olive Oswald might seem like ok names at first...

5) Avoid names that are easy to rhyme. Kids will have a hard time at school when they are always referred to as "Little Lou who smells like poo" or "Fancy Lance who wet his pants".

6) This one is so obvious I probably don't even have to write it. If you give your child a pornstar name, they're going to grow up to be a pornstar. Cherry Poppins, Summer Cummings, Randy Cox, Buck Naked etc.

7) A name might sound fine when it comes before the surname, but consider how the name will sound during roll call. For exampe, Lester Moll and Ted Farr are names to avoid.

8) First names and surnames should be independent. They shouldn't be put together to make a "witty" word or phrase. Shandy Lear, Ray Piest, Coco Cole, Rose Bush, Holly Wood and Robin Banks are all a bog no-no.

To be continued...