The latest in my series of movie reviews – Movie Review 2.

Traditionally, a movie studio executive with a successful movie series had three options for squeezing more money out of the franchise.

No 1 – The Sequel. This is probably the most popular way of cashing in on the success of a movie. Bring the characters back for an exciting new adventure. Some recent sequels have proven highly successful at the box office (Spiderman 2, Pirates of the Carribean 2), while others have been an injustice to the original (the Matrix sequels, Police Academy 2 to ∞).

No 2 – The Prequel. This is an interesting way of continuing the series, and is one that has also shown mixed results. Batman Begins = Good Prequel. The Phantom Menace = Bad Prequel.

No 3 – The Director's Cut. This is by far the lamest way to make some more cash. Add a new scene or two. Add some director's commentary. “Uhh, this scene was really tough to film. Tom kept jumping on that sofa shouting 'I'm in luuuuuuv!'. Yes, we know Tom. And so does your boyfriend.” Add some photos of the cast and crew. Voila, you have a brand new Christmas stuffer.

Now, theres a fourth option.

No 4 – The Re-quel.

“What's a requel?”, you might ask.

Apart from being an ingeniously clever word that I made up, it refers to a new movie masquerading as a directors cut. It is used to describe a movie that has been pulled from the basement of the movie studio, had a whole lot of bits cut out, had a whole lot of brand new scenes inserted, has some new actors (some of which have been dead for years), a new storyline, yet retains the name of the original movie.

“Hollywood would never do that!”, you might say.

“They already have”, says I.

Recently I had the chance to watch a copy of “Superman II: The Donner Cut”. Now, Superman II is probably a movie that most people aren't too familiar with. I'm fairly familiar with it because I watched it plenty of times during my childhood. When I heard about this director's cut, I couldn't resist downloa... uh... legally purchasing a copy.

“What's so special about this movie?”, you might ask.

Well, nothing in particular. But it does have an interesting history (don't quote me on any of this – it's all pieced together from the ramblings of various Internet geeks).

Back in the late 70's, director Richard Donner was signed on to film the movie Superman. About halfway through, he realised that he had way too much footage for just one movie, so a deal was brokered to make two movies. Superman 1 proved to be a success at the box office, so Donner decided to ask for a little more. More what? Maybe more cash, maybe more filming freedom. I don't know. Either way, the producers were not too happy and Donner was summarily dumped (after completing about 70% of Superman 2). The producers brought in director Richard Lester (yes, this story is quite confusing because they're both named Richard). Lester had a look at the Donner footage, kept some of the good bits, and cut out all the bits he didn't like. A new script was written making use of some of the scenes that had already been filmed. Some of the actors who had already completed filming were told to come back to film all these new scenes. Some said yes. Others, like Marlon Brando (who plays Superman's dad Jor-El), said “Screw you.” Donner said “Fine!” and all of Brando's scenes were cut from the movie.

Time passed, the movie was completed and released with mixed success. Lester and the producers were happy, Donner was not. For years and years, Donner worked as a successful Hollywood director. But he always had this itch he couldn't scratch. Superman 2.

Thirty-odd years later, someone decides to reinvent the franchise and Superman Returns is released. Donner decides that this is the perfect time for him to appease his fans and pitch his idea to the movie studio - “Superman II: The Donner Cut”. The studio thinks that it would be a good idea for some more cash, so they let him go to work on the previously forbidden project.

Donner decides to put back all the footage he had previously filmed, while getting rid of a lot of the garbage that Lester put in. Donner is happy, but there are still plenty of holes in the movie. Donner adds in some footage from auditions and test scenes. Still a few holes. Donner uses modern technology to add some CG effects and music. Hmm, nearly there. Donner uses his computer to resurrect Marlon Brando, gets him to film some new scenes and record some new lines and puts him back in the movie. There, finished!

“So what are we left with?”, you ask.

Well, we're left with a requel. On the surface, it's the same movie. But underneath, it's very different. New plot lines, new characters, new scenes. It can't rightly be called the same movie.

“Is it better or worse?”, you ask.

That's up to you. Some people say it's better. Other people say it's sacrilege. Some of the major scenes have changed so much. Let's take a look at three of them.

THE OPENING SCENE: In the original Lester cut, Superman flies to Paris to save Lois from a hydrogen bomb that is planted on the Eiffel Tower. This sounds kind of silly, doesn't it.

In the new Donner cut, that whole scene (about 15 minutes worth) had been cut and replaced with a new scene in the Daily Planet (not the one in Elsternwick). Lois sees a photo of Superman, realises that it looks like Clark, and decides to jump out a 30 story window so that Clark will save her. This is also a silly scene.

Both of the scenes are ok. Lester Cut 0, Donner Cut 0.

CLARK IS SUPERMAN! SCENE: In the Lester cut, Clark and Lois are spending an evening at Niagra Falls in the Honeymoon Suite. Clark trips over, falls into the fire, but doesn't get burnt. Lois: “You really are Superman!”. Clark: “Damn.”

In the Donner cut, Clark and Lois are spending an evening in Niagra Falls (not the Honeymoon Sweet). Lois is still sure that Clark is Superman, so she pulls out a gun and shoots him. He doesn't die. Lois: “You really are Superman!”. Clark (not happy): “You know, if you'd been wrong, you would have killed Clark Kent”. Lois: “With blanks? Gotcha!”.

The Donner cut dialogue is bad, but the idea is good. Lester Cut 0, Donner Cut 1.

SUPERMAN LOSES HIS POWER SCENE: In the Lester Cut, Clark wants to make sweet love to Lois so he has a long lovey-dovey chat with his mum. His mum tells him to follow his heart. He gets blasted with radiation that takes away his powers. Later, when he decides he wants them back, he finds a green crystal that magically makes him super again.

In the Donner Cut, Clark wants to make sweet love to Lois so he has a long and nasty chat with his dad, Marlon Brando. Brando tells him that his is an ignorant, selfish fool. Superman whines like a little girl. Brando tells him how disappointed he is, shoots one of the nastiest glares recorded on film at Lois (who is eavesdropping), then takes his powers away. Later, when he decides he wants them back, he finds a green crystal that brings back Brando's ghost. Brando is pissed. He explains that he can give Clark his power back, but it will kill Brando (really kill him, no more ghosts). Clark cries like a little girl. Brando tells Clark to stop being a little girl, says goodbye for the last time, and kills himself. Clark becomes super again.

The major flaw with the Lester Cut is that there is no Brando. In the Donner Cut, Brando rules every scene he is in. Brando acts circles around Christoper Reeve and let's him know it. Lester Cut 0, Donner Cut 2.


So, it seems that the Donner Cut wins by a score of 0-2, thanks mainly to Uncle Marlon.

Disagree?

I don't care.

Had an interesting experience today.

I was driving back after doing some shopping in Asahikawa. The weather has been warmer recently, so the road was mostly dry. I was approaching a sharp curve in the road. When I was about 100 metres from the curve I saw a car coming from the opposite direction. Sideways.

The lady was obviously enjoying the good weather and driving a little too fast. She hit an icy patch on the curve, lost control and slid sideways. When icy patch ended, she was at 90 degrees. Her tires gripped and she flew into the icy wall on my side of the road. Her car jumped up in the air and then rolled over, finishing perched half on its side and half on its roof.

Fortunately, I had time to break so she didn't hit me, but if I'd been there a few seconds earlier she would have cleaned me up too.

There was nobody else around, so I got out of my car and went to help her. Her door (which was facing up now) was locked. I knocked on her window and told her took unlock it. She did, and I opened the door. She was strapped into her seat, upside down, and hanging at an awkward angle. She was pretty stressed out, trying to unbuckle the seatbelt which just wouldn't unbuckle. I asked her if she was ok, and if she wanted an ambulance. She said she was ok and just wanted to get out. After about a minute struggling, she finally gave up and looked up at me. I think she almost wet herself with shock that it was a foreigner trying to help her. She forgot about her predicament and started fumbling for English words. "Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Car.... phone... sorry! Sorry!".

A few minutes later some other people showed up. We got her unbuckled and pulled her out of her car. Then we rolled her car over and pushed it off the road. The middle of an icy road is not the place for an upside down car to be. In fact, during the whole incident, a few more cars came round the blind curve and almost ran into the car.

I got back into my car and took off, leaving it all in the hands of some old Japanese guy who had decided to pretend he was a policeman by shouting orders at everyone. Move this, push that, lift this...

The moral of this story is:

1) It's a bad idea to drive fast on icy roads.
2) It's a good idea to wear a seatbelt.